Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Have you ever felt that you are worthless?

You are mediocre, you are not good at anything at all like other people

This is how I am today. Hell I'm not even good at what I graduated for. I work as what I studied.. but as time move on, I mostly do the management stuff, I stray away from my core subject.

I don't know how to dance, I'm fat, I'm not pretty, I have no social skill and very few social friends (practically a loser), I don't have any talent (do I really have no talent?), I do not have a good voice to sing (But I could do an awesome music vid, and some collage artwork or photomanip), I don't know how to play musical instrument except for a recorder when I was in my primary school, does that count? I can write fiction/fanfiction in english, I could never write those fic in my own mother tongue, but I never been to write any finish fiction/fanfiction in english or any good article that is publish worthy. It's mediocre, like everyone else right.

To sum it up .... I'm good at nothing.. am I really????

What would I want to be good at? I wish I'm good at writing, not too good like Stephen King or something like that. Why? Am I not worthy of such a grandeur dream? Does it have to do about the genre that I want to write? I wish to write stuff about 'guilty pleasure'

Ok I'll be honest I want to write about yaoi romance :P. In my reality it has a lot of restriction, moral restriction, culture restriction, religion restriction...I cannot even begin with the religion restriction even with hetero romance too (the one that have all those erotic stuff).

Why do I want to write yaoi romance and sell it? For money? Do I really need the money? And the answer is no it is not for money and I don't really need the money.. well just not that bad. So I could write it for free, for myself, for stress reliever and self therapy (just like what I'm doing now anyway). Well if I write it for free then the religion restriction will have less impact. People must be wondering the heck is this restriction anway.. basically the restriction is not so much about the moral issues well it has some component to it, but the major ones is about the earning of the money. If you get it from a 'legal' way or 'illegal' so to speak. If you're earning from writing 'trash' stuff (all this are in the context of the per say religion point of view) so the earning will be 'illegal' and it has points in the after life. So if you get it, you get it, if you don't, you don't.

Well back to the point, what if I write for free? There will be no financial impact for the religion point of view. Yes I would like to do that, because then I would feel my life would be not so worthless? What is the connection? Because I did something that I really like and it will make me feel better or good even. Hence I will be not worthless... in my own point of view anyway and this will make me happier. Not to other people, people who are in the same culture and religion background. Their opinion is as always unchanged perhaps more worst.. they will see it negatively.

So what's more important here, is how you see yourself, how you judge yourself. If you are worthless that means that it is not really what other people think, it is WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT YOURSELF.

How do I make myself see that I am better??? Now that is another story...
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